February 2, 2018

I was feeling sorry for myself. I’d been listening to Krishna Das, and reading Yogananda and wondering where is my Guru? Am I left behind because I never had a physical Guru? Will I not progress in this life time- have I not? Will I be left behind on the journey?

And as I write this I hear the ridiculous nature of the words.

Oh my Goddess, how easy it is to be taken to that place of fear that you are not enough. I feel as though I have been hood winked again by the mind-numbing words of “authorities”.

There is nowhere to go.

If I died right now, as my body drops, I will be back in the thick of the heart of GOD with not a fear, not a care as to whether I lived a “Good” life.

This awareness is the second coming, the Guru is within.

Is it helpful to have an awakened person to help one see their bullshit? Most definitely. But, one must be scrupulous in finding that “awakened” one. It is so easy to give away one’s sovereignty.

When one lives a reflective life, however, as I have attempted to live my life, looking at my self-deluded ideas- slowly at times, one can make changes, evolve. It is inevitable.

Personally, I feel the misconceptions are appearing faster, or I am noticing it faster, meaning I am noticing my agenda, the underlying motivations for my behavior.

A few months ago, my daughter and I were at an impasse. I wanted her to behave in a certain way. Something needed to be cleaned up and she wasn’t volunteering. And then she made some flippant remark that was, at the same time inappropriate, and appropriate to come out of a teenager’s mouth.

I must have been really tired because I completely had a meltdown, yelling, “I really messed up. How come she cannot see what needs to be taken care of? I have failed as a parent!” (I was a bit wacko and beyond dramatic, my husband suggesting I take a walk).

Later, after I had come back to my senses, I went to speak with my daughter. She was softly crying in her room, “What is wrong with me that you think you failed?”

I was heartbroken that I had behaved so badly as to make her question her worth. I was so preoccupied with my personal junk, that I imposed it on her. I stood there, frozen, and I felt what it might feel like to have an end of life replay as I could feel her pain caused from my insecurities. Part of me, pride maybe, wanted to blame the whole thing on, what? I had to own it.

I explained to her that in the moment of her actions, I was brought back to some weird level of insecurity, as though her action was a personal affront to my character. I told her I wasn’t able to explain it clearly, as the idea was fuzzy to me, but suffice to say that I was absolutely out of line and whatever I said was completely false, a reflection of my lack of self-love and had nothing to do with her. That although I would hope that she would be attentive to helping others in shared spaces, and be aware of others feelings, it was not her job to protect those feelings. Each individual needs to tend to their own feeling garden, so to speak.

Just vocalizing those thoughts brought me greater understanding into my own fallacious ideas. Just thoughts that spin out of control. Through this heart felt exchange, I was able to understand myself better, to love myself deeper and hopefully, my daughter also learned about perspective.

Self-reflection is not easy because it means you have to go in and clean out the rotting entrails of one’s erroneous thoughts and beliefs.

I am reminded that one of my Spirit Guides is a Turkey Vulture. Who but a vulture knows how to clean out, eat and digest the rotting, decomposed flesh which is no longer useful.

The ability to lean in and listen to your truth, your motivations, your intentions, to expose the tricks you have used along the way to fool yourself about what is true or false about yourself, this is the work of a GURU.

Yes, this is the age of the second coming, the Christ Consciousness within, the awareness that you are directing your consciousness.

I can enter my own cave, the cave of my mind to ascertain the wisdom of the ages, that we are the experience of GOD, nothing less. The path to perfection, to self-awareness, is found beyond the forest of delusion. The misguided idea that things, situations, position in society or work, large home or bigger car will bring happiness or satisfaction is the illusion.

Once you recognize and acknowledge that the great love of your life is yourself as the emanation of GOD, then can you be the loving, kind being you are here to shine out into the world.

Your greatest purpose in life is to find the joy, Be the joy, Be the love.

When you are able to offer yourself, your actions to the Divine within, fully surrendering to the Divine will, that is when miracles start happening.

“Let your raging desires become preferences. That is your part. After that, all things will be done for you and through you, not by you. The whole Universe bows to one who has fully let go.”

Nisargadatta Maharaj

• Christ Consciousness- A self- realized person who, by nature of that self-realization loves unconditionally, shows kindness and understanding, is able to see different perspectives, recognizes that each person is an aspect of herself, trusts that the Universe has your back, that everything has a purpose, that you are the experience of God.

• What [then] will ye do with this man thy elder brother, thy Christ, who — that thy Destiny might be sure in Him — has shown thee the more excellent way. Not in mighty deeds of valor, not in the exaltation of thy knowledge or thy power; but in the gentleness of the things of the spirit: Love, kindness, longsuffering, patience; these thy brother hath shown thee that thou, applying them in thy associations with thy fellow man day by day, here a little, there a little, may become one with Him as He has destined that thou shouldst be! Wilt thou separate thyself? For there be nothing…that may separate thee from the love of thy God, of thy brother, save thine own self!
  — Edgar Cayce reading 849-11